You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
