For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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