I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
