were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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