Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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