she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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