i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
