get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
