I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
