I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
