I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
