her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize