Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
