the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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