Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
