i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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