Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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