I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
