I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
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