He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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