what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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