Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
