I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
