I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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