We won't sleep together?
Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
only you would photoshop your dick
you mean i was at the winter classic?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
