Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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