he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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