Got a toothbrush?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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