When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
