Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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