I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
