Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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