you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
