You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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