I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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