Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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