Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
