I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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