Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
