Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
