just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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