1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
