Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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