dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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