I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
