That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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