its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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