My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
