one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
