just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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