I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
