why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Less talking, more tequila
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
