i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I met the friendliest cop last night
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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