I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
