If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
